Padme Can't Cook
by Ren-Yong-Shie
Summary: Dinnertime at the Skywalker family, and the various attempts to avoid the courses. Originally written for my little sister. One-shot.


Padme Can't Cook

"Dinner's ready!" Padme called cheerfully from the kitchen.

"Ugh," Anakin and his son, Luke, groaned.

"Sometimes I think she enjoys this," Luke muttered as they walked out of the training room. "She has to know what she's feeding us."

Leia, Luke's twin sister, joined the group. She looked about as happy as they did.

"What's today?" Her father asked her.

The young princess's nose wrinkled in distaste. "Meatloaf"

"Nooooo!" Luke whispered mournfully.

"I know! I tried to offer to help, so, you know, I could un-wreck it a little bit, but she's all like, 'No, I'm fine, go do some Jedi stuff with your father.' I left as she put four cups of salt in the cake."

Anakin closed his eyes. "Why do we even have a kitchen?"

"I don't know!" Luke glared at his father. "YOU bought the house!"

"I bought the house?" Anakin laughed. "I didn't even know we were moving! Your mother convinced me (imagine that) to let her pick which house, and before I know it we've got five bathrooms!"

Leia rolled her eyes. Her father may have been the hero with no fear, but when it came to Leia's mother he was such a wuss.

Right before they entered the kitchen, they huddled up. "I brought the extra-strong napkins." Anakin announced.

"I sewed in extensions to our pockets." Leia put in.

"And I emptied R2's trash compactor." Luke said.

They put their hands in the middle. "Strong napkins, strong noses, strong stomachs!" The Jedi cheered.

The battle cry of the Dinner Rebellion.

The Skywalkers sat around the table silently. Padme dealt out huge portions of meatloaf to each person and bade them to eat up. Padme never ate her own creations. She said that she ate at work. But secretly Luke, Leia, and Anakin thought she couldn't stand her own cooking.

"I've got a special surprise once you're finished!" Padme said. Clueless.

The three rebels winced as they remembered the last time she had said that. Anakin had told her he loved sponge cake once, long before they were married and he had tasted her cooking. So for their anniversary, she put a giant dish sponge on a plate, sprinkled cinnamon on it, and declared it desert.

That had been a dark day in the force indeed.

Leia used the force to deaden her abused taste buds that split second she put the despicable thing in her mouth. She then spit it out into Uncle Obi-Wan's special napkins. He had donated them after Padme brought a pot roast to the Jedi picnic.

Luke didn't even want to put the food in his mouth (deserving a hissed "wuss" from Leia). He shoved a spinach biscuit in his pocket and tried not to gag from touching the thing.

Anakin, who had the misfortune to be sitting right across from his wife, was having a harder time. He thought for a second, trying to form a plan.

"Anakin, you've barely touched your food." Padme exclaimed. "Your plate is usually clean by this time." She thought his smile looked a little forced.

Hmm. Must have had a bad day at the temple.

**I SEE NO FOOD **was actually what Anakin was thinking.

"I guess I'm just hungry for some…" His gaze landed on a dish. "…peas." He reached over to Luke's thirteen-year-old baby food. His elbow jolted the glass of pond water near him.

"Oh, no." Anakin said. "Whoops."

Padme went in search of more ammo- I mean, a dish cloth.

There was no time to lose. He rushed R2 over and scraped some fried weasel into the little droid. "Go, R2," he whispered. "Put it where it can't hurt anyone anymore."

The little droid whistled and went away. He liked this job because he liked Padme's cooking. It gave him something to do, such as attempt to chew on the gristle.

When Padme came back, she was surprised to see everyone's plates clean. However, she was not pleased that the twins hadn't drunk their water.

"Your father is going to sit here and watch you drink every last drop!" She told them.

"Every last drop." He echoed.

Of course, as soon as she left, Anakin held his lightsaber above the water and evaporated it.

"Another night!" they cheered, because the meal was over.

"ANAKIN SKYWALKER!" Padme's voice rang out. "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT TURNING THAT THING ON IN THIS HOUSE?!"

He winced and turned it off. "I'm so sorry," he said as convincingly as he could. But Padme had moved on to another subject.

"Anyways, here's that special surprise I told you about!"

Padme sat a casserole dish on the table. Anakin gave each person a portion that would make it seem like they all had full stomachs. It was rice casserole. There was no escape- they would have to eat the food.

It was not long before they realized she had confused Luke's toenail clippings for rice.

"Oh, no!" Anakin said as her informed Padme of this. He really did mean it, because without the toenails it would have been okay.

They breathed, knowing they would live another day and went upstairs.

"LUKE SKYWALKER!"

He winced as he turned around. "Yeeeesss?"

"What is that poking out of your pocket?"

Luke had no answer. "Uhhhh…"

"I know you love my cooking, but that's no reason to sneak it to your room for a midnight snack!"

He smiled. "Yes, Mom! That's exactly what I was doing. Here. In fact, you can have it back. I've been such a bad boy!"

Padme rolled her eyed. "Keep it. Who knows where your pockets have been?"

Anakin laughed under his breath. "The germs in his pockets are the least of our worries."

The twins got ready for bed, and their mother kissed them goodnight. Then Padme went to go work on a Senate speech.

Five minutes later, their father crept into their room. "Okay. It's all clear."

Their eyes popped open, and they scrambled out of bed.

"What's important here," Anakin whispered, "is the element of stealth-"

"LEIA SKYWALKER!" Once again, Padme's voice was loud and clear.

Her eyebrows raised in innocence. "We're with Dad." She said automatically.

"Nice," Anakin muttered. "They forgot to brush their teeth!" he called out.

"Then that's okay." She retreated.

"Is she that scary in the Senate?" Luke asked as they made their way down the corridor.

"Yes." Anakin answered tersely. He did not like to think about his wife arguing before he slept.

"I brought some pie home. Yoda said to give it to you. Then he said to tell you that size matters not."

Luke and Leia nodded. Whatever. They'd agree to anything in order to get Yoda's chocolate pie.

He unlocked a secret door and crept in it. No one had a key, but you had to open from the inside. They did that with the force. Since Padme wasn't force-sensitive, so Luke, Leia, and him only could get into it.

And they entered the room, completely empty and devoid of any food.

"Wha-" Leia gasped.

"PADME!" Anakin screamed in defeat.

In response, they only heard a cackling from Padme's room as she ate their only salvation.

Not a few moments later she came into the room. "I've been waiting for years for you all to admit that my food was repulsive. You don't think I didn't notice all your attempts to avoid eating my food? But then I found this room and blackmailed Yoda into opening it (he has the WORST toenail fungus) and I found all this. And so I ate it all!" She smiled wickedly.

The twins were groveling. "Please, Mom. Don't make us eat your horrible food anymore!"

Padme sighed, amused. "Fine. I suppose we can spare a little takeout."

"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU" Anakin blubbered.


End file.
